Archive | Reflection RSS feed for this section

Its time

19 May

I had been very focused on my financial goals.  Nothing wrong with that but I have other goals too.  I kept trying to track etc figuring out that it doesn’t really work for me.

So I took the book I use for finances and changed everything around to apply to fitness.  Now I have a road map which is good.  Although I haven’t lost weight my belly seems to be shrinking.  I’ll need to measure it after this week to see if it has indeed gone down.

It feels nice to switch tracks a bit and start making guided efforts to where I’d like to be physically.  My health is very important and at this point it has to be put first.  I get winded walking up stairs even.

I’m very happy I haven’t gained weight but now that I am shifting my main focus things should be ramping up and I should start feeling better again like I used to when I was fit.  There are still many days left in May to hit the lose the belly goal.  I am excited at the prospect of it not poking out of shirts anymore. 🙂  I feel great.  I should be back here in a week a pound thinner and much stronger physically.

I can believe its already 12 days into May

12 May

Lately I feel like I’ve been holding my breath.  I have been majorly focused on achieving some financial goals and one of them is fast approaching, I am about to pay off my car.  This week in fact if everything goes as planned.

While this financial focus has paid off well, it has held me back from other goals.  Fitness being one of them.  My job situation is cyclical though.  The fitness one is not.  If I can get on a plan I can maintain for fitness it will be one I can maintain for a lifetime.  I have held my weight since the last loss which has been great.  Sadly though I’ve been giving myself more treats.  Funnily enough the treats taste awful because of all the good food I’ve been eating.  My food budget (along with all others) had been reduced severely while trying to reach my goal.  I just found a cookbook though that makes it easy to eat well while using cheap ingredients: http://www.leannebrown.ca/cookbooks/

I’m going to use try to liven up this weeks food menu without breaking the bank.  I also gave up going to get waxed months ago.  This was huge bummer.  I’ve been using Nair for a while now but it seems my skin is not happy about it anymore.  I’m hoping maybe I can try to figure out a way to budget in waxes again or at least try to do this for the summer months.  Although I’m really glad I didn’t splurge recently as it is currently snowing outside!

My husband is talking about working out again now that he is healed after surgery and he needs to regain muscle use so I might have a fitness buddy soon.  It seems I just need to recommit myself to this project.  I have a goal but not a ton of motivation reach it.  I guess it’s almost ingrained at this point to go without so I can pay off my debts, which soon will only consist of student loans, both the car and the credit cards were paid off due to my unwavering efforts.  I guess I just have to realign my focus again.  I wanted to think about it and type it out here.  Put it in my weight goals folder and check it regularly like I do with my finances.  Just like debt pay off its only going to happen if I make it happen.  While I’ve been lukewarm about the whole thing the reality is I need to do something for myself again.  And working out is not only healthy but in my case its frugal as I have a cheap gym membership.

While a cookie here and there won’t derail my efforts I need to reassess my goals.  Why I put up this blog and why I keep trying.  Even in my minimal efforts I have gone down one pants size.  What I want and what I’ve always wanted is to be one of those people who eats healthy.  Having a kitchen full of veggies (which I often do) and fruits (which I rarely do except citrus for water and margaritas.)  I have been good about using up left overs though which has created some great healthy dishes.  I fall off the wagon since I keep making the same some few dishes that I know don’t cost much.

I did a project where I reorganized my dishes in binders and that has been really helpful.  We are making it more of a consistent habit to menu plan.  So it’s not like starting from scratch but I do need to make the effort to maintain the habit. Food is mostly covered though when I veer of track I usually sit down and do something about it.

It’s working out that’s a b*tch.  Lately I’ve been putting in so many hours to my contract job and part-time job that I am always exhausted.  I do have a mini gym in the complex that I should take advantage of on nights I’m too tired to drive to my gym.  I know if I wake up early enough I can get into the pool at the gym I pay for so that is something.  If I find a way to work my way around fitness then everything will be fine.  I need to make that effort now.  The last thing I need to do is let all my hard work go to waste.  I’d like to go right after my night-time part-time job but my husband usually stays up late on those nights so we can see each other so I’m not giving that up.  The next option is to wake up for 4 or 5 am to catch the pool before anyone else does.  While this would be difficult for me it would also be my best bet because then I am up bright and early and can put in overtime hours at my job.

This is something to try tonight.  Go to both jobs today set my alarm and roll out of bed bright and early tomorrow to get in a work out.  This is the ideal.  I’ll see if I can make that happen today and if I can then I’ll keep it up two more times this week.  Maybe at the end I’ll even end up showing a loss. 🙂  Time to get back to work and plan a menu.

Eyes on the prize

2 May

I have had a downward trend in weight.  I am now 3 pounds lighter than I was when this started and I haven’t seen the inside of a gym yet.  My personal goal for May in the fitness arena is to “tame the tummy.”

I’d like to be 2 inches smaller in the mid section.  I have to go to the gym and or exercise in order to make that happen.  With a lot of stress lifted from me in the financial department it might be easier now.  I need to have a routine to successfully accomplish all my goals and they are starting to seem more intertwined for the first time in a while.

Just this small commitment to eating better resulted not only in weight loss but it made my outlook more positive.  I take a daily walk by myself now a days.  It might just be to the mail box but its totally personal time to regroup and focus.  A little non expensive or calorie laden break from the madness of my day.  I am hoping that cultivating this habit has meant that I can now pick a time and stick to it.

I need to focus.  I need to finish up my job assignment right and I want to see even more results in my weight loss.  It’s been nice to have a positive outlook again.  To have a yearning to get up and move around.  I hope things continue this way for me.  But for now I’m just going to focus on the positive and keep moving in that direction!

An Honest Reflection

3 Apr

I have been somewhat successful at managing my finances in the past 6 months or so.  I have whipped out credit card debt, made aggressive payments toward loans, padded my IRA, built an emergency fund and have even started saving toward goals.

I finally decided to do something about the financial problems that have been plaguing me for years and it’s so ingrained it feels weird to let go.  There was been slip ups of course been I’ve been able to fix them.  I’m on the brink on making these lifetime habits.  This is good because I had maxed out all my cards twice in my life.  If I can keep this up I should never have that issue again.

It took work.  I had to tell myself that I could make it happen instead of lamenting about how other people can afford things that I cannot because of my debt.  I had convinced myself that there are things I will never own because I will always be in debt.  This is the first time in my life where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and each day I ponder and research ways to make sure I stay out of debt.

It took a lot of research and a few guide books.  Once in hand I followed these to the letter at first and then deviated as I found things that work for me.  As a result I have reduced my debt by about 5K in the last 6 months and finally have more than $1000 my retirement account; something that seemed impossible before.

I recently had gotten over the thought that there are things I cannot have because I cannot afford them.  I simply made savings accounts for them and contribute small amounts to each fund from each check.  Now instead of lusting after them I am making a vested effort to get them which makes me less antsy and likely to make an impulse purchase on my credit cards which I just worked for hard to pay off.  All of this feels so good it’s incredible.

And then there’s weight loss.  I have literally sat around wondering why I can’t stick to this.  I have a gym membership; I know what I should or shouldn’t eat.  I have an idea of what my triggers are but I am still figuring it out.

I stay away from take out as it is both expenses and mostly devoid of nutrients I need to fuel my body.  I was recently so busy with work that I told myself I couldn’t make time to go to them gym but managed to find time to internet surf or work out how to manage my finances.

Part of it is fear.  I don’t like being seen at the gym while working out.  Another part is worry of being hungry, being starving makes you quit a work out pretty quickly.  Eating too close to a work out makes me queasy.   It’s mostly fear.   Fear of failing yet again.  Fear of succeeding as I have no idea what it is like to hold my goal weight for more than a few months.  Once I succeed I fear buying clothes as its money lost because the goal weight never stays.  I still own the jeans, I just can’t fit into them.  I have about 15 T-shirt/tanks and 3 pairs of jeans that somewhat fit.  I’d love to own more clothes but I fear it.  I fear clothes shopping too.

At the same time this is the first time I have felt so comfortable in my body.  I no longer hate it or shy away from it in the mirror.  I have accepted that I look the way that I look and want to lose the weight so that clothes will fit more comfortably, I can wear more of a range of clothes and I can buy some and know I will still be the same size in a few months.

Then there’s the possibility of pregnancy undoing anything I may have done and ruining my body.  That one I tell myself would be fixed if I had already had a routine.  If I were to get pregnant than ideally I would already have a routine and would already be working out so I would just keep doing that until I couldn’t or was deemed medically unable to and then after the baby I would just have to work things out to get some time to be able to go back to the gym.  Why all that is pre-set up in my mind I don’t know.

What I do know is that now is the time.  Soon I will be too old to wear whatever I want.  I need to do it now while I am still somewhat young so I can enjoy it.

I have developed good habits.  I do slip up from time to time just like money.  I have decided that I need to keep up with food to make working out a reality but I keep saying I’ll go and not pick a time, or if I do pick a time I skip it and say well I can go later (because I don’t want to go when there are a whole ton of other people there.)  By the time later rolls around I am exhausted from working, cleaning the house and cooking and then I am too tired I say to get up early in the morning and go, plus that’s when most people swim which is my preferred way to exercise.

All these excuses mount up and then I think I should just quit the gym.  But then that makes me sad because it feels like I have finally given up.

I’m at the verge of a good thing here.  I need to do this.  I want to do this.  I have maintained my weight for 10 months.   I know I can do this now.  Maybe that’s what it took.  A year of eating healthy to realize I could stick to it.  Now I just need to make this gym thing a habit.  It’s not starting from scratch at least and I have joined a challenge to make it happen.  To boot I may have an exercise partner soon as well which is super motivating to say the least.

So I guess that is it.  I have started on this journey and here is no turning back.  No more half measures.  I have defined a goal I would like to reach.  I need to set up all the things necessary for me to reach the goal (packed gym bag, healthy eating/snacks, and tracking it all).  It shouldn’t be acceptable to me now that I am healed that I maintained the week but only made one exercise session.  It is common sense, work = results.  Time to fully commit to something I can control.  It is within my reach and it’s about damn time I did something about it.

Down to my last pair of jeans

30 Sep

and they are covered in blood.  Super heavy fun time of month has ruined the last pair of jeans that I fit into.  After losing weight and being able to pull out old jeans of small sizes I had to pack them all back up last night and while inspecting my last pair of jeans that fit I noticed that there is blood on them lots of it.   This does not make me very happy.  Now I’m going to have to buy new pairs of size 14 jeans which I’m not looking forward to.  I have one more pair that I can squeeze into which are 12’s but they are ripped up and will have to be tossed soon.

My clothes situation is just pathetic really.  I had clothes from XS to XL size 6 to size 16.  My weight has fluctuated widely over the years.  I held one weight for 6 months and was fine until my surgery popped up.

I’m inspired again to fit in my jeans but I hope I don’t give up.  I tend to do good on exercise and food for about a month I end up losing 4-8 pounds get comfortable and give up.  I hope this time I can push to the finish line and actually maintain it all.  I have been at the finish line twice before and blew it.  I really don’t think I could go through this a third time.