An Honest Reflection

3 Apr

I have been somewhat successful at managing my finances in the past 6 months or so.  I have whipped out credit card debt, made aggressive payments toward loans, padded my IRA, built an emergency fund and have even started saving toward goals.

I finally decided to do something about the financial problems that have been plaguing me for years and it’s so ingrained it feels weird to let go.  There was been slip ups of course been I’ve been able to fix them.  I’m on the brink on making these lifetime habits.  This is good because I had maxed out all my cards twice in my life.  If I can keep this up I should never have that issue again.

It took work.  I had to tell myself that I could make it happen instead of lamenting about how other people can afford things that I cannot because of my debt.  I had convinced myself that there are things I will never own because I will always be in debt.  This is the first time in my life where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and each day I ponder and research ways to make sure I stay out of debt.

It took a lot of research and a few guide books.  Once in hand I followed these to the letter at first and then deviated as I found things that work for me.  As a result I have reduced my debt by about 5K in the last 6 months and finally have more than $1000 my retirement account; something that seemed impossible before.

I recently had gotten over the thought that there are things I cannot have because I cannot afford them.  I simply made savings accounts for them and contribute small amounts to each fund from each check.  Now instead of lusting after them I am making a vested effort to get them which makes me less antsy and likely to make an impulse purchase on my credit cards which I just worked for hard to pay off.  All of this feels so good it’s incredible.

And then there’s weight loss.  I have literally sat around wondering why I can’t stick to this.  I have a gym membership; I know what I should or shouldn’t eat.  I have an idea of what my triggers are but I am still figuring it out.

I stay away from take out as it is both expenses and mostly devoid of nutrients I need to fuel my body.  I was recently so busy with work that I told myself I couldn’t make time to go to them gym but managed to find time to internet surf or work out how to manage my finances.

Part of it is fear.  I don’t like being seen at the gym while working out.  Another part is worry of being hungry, being starving makes you quit a work out pretty quickly.  Eating too close to a work out makes me queasy.   It’s mostly fear.   Fear of failing yet again.  Fear of succeeding as I have no idea what it is like to hold my goal weight for more than a few months.  Once I succeed I fear buying clothes as its money lost because the goal weight never stays.  I still own the jeans, I just can’t fit into them.  I have about 15 T-shirt/tanks and 3 pairs of jeans that somewhat fit.  I’d love to own more clothes but I fear it.  I fear clothes shopping too.

At the same time this is the first time I have felt so comfortable in my body.  I no longer hate it or shy away from it in the mirror.  I have accepted that I look the way that I look and want to lose the weight so that clothes will fit more comfortably, I can wear more of a range of clothes and I can buy some and know I will still be the same size in a few months.

Then there’s the possibility of pregnancy undoing anything I may have done and ruining my body.  That one I tell myself would be fixed if I had already had a routine.  If I were to get pregnant than ideally I would already have a routine and would already be working out so I would just keep doing that until I couldn’t or was deemed medically unable to and then after the baby I would just have to work things out to get some time to be able to go back to the gym.  Why all that is pre-set up in my mind I don’t know.

What I do know is that now is the time.  Soon I will be too old to wear whatever I want.  I need to do it now while I am still somewhat young so I can enjoy it.

I have developed good habits.  I do slip up from time to time just like money.  I have decided that I need to keep up with food to make working out a reality but I keep saying I’ll go and not pick a time, or if I do pick a time I skip it and say well I can go later (because I don’t want to go when there are a whole ton of other people there.)  By the time later rolls around I am exhausted from working, cleaning the house and cooking and then I am too tired I say to get up early in the morning and go, plus that’s when most people swim which is my preferred way to exercise.

All these excuses mount up and then I think I should just quit the gym.  But then that makes me sad because it feels like I have finally given up.

I’m at the verge of a good thing here.  I need to do this.  I want to do this.  I have maintained my weight for 10 months.   I know I can do this now.  Maybe that’s what it took.  A year of eating healthy to realize I could stick to it.  Now I just need to make this gym thing a habit.  It’s not starting from scratch at least and I have joined a challenge to make it happen.  To boot I may have an exercise partner soon as well which is super motivating to say the least.

So I guess that is it.  I have started on this journey and here is no turning back.  No more half measures.  I have defined a goal I would like to reach.  I need to set up all the things necessary for me to reach the goal (packed gym bag, healthy eating/snacks, and tracking it all).  It shouldn’t be acceptable to me now that I am healed that I maintained the week but only made one exercise session.  It is common sense, work = results.  Time to fully commit to something I can control.  It is within my reach and it’s about damn time I did something about it.



28 Mar

I ended the month -1 despite all the craziness.  In a forum I somewhat actively participate in they are doing a bikini challenge so I have pledged to lose weight by mid summer.  That would be an amazing goal to accomplish.

I have a very rare day off today.  I will be lounging around doing small projects that are necessary and in the afternoon I will finally be dragging my behind to the gym so that I can stay on track for meeting my goal.  I am confident that if I could ride out such an insane month with any loss at all that I am strong enough to keep going in the right direction and stay there.

I will also poke around my recipes so I can have another at home eating week like this one was.  Even though it was hard work it totally paid off.  I felt full and satisfied and the scale kept moving in the correct direction.

Here’s to another week of good food and satisfying work outs.

Boy Am I Sore

25 Mar

And so happy and proud.  Last night like many nights prior I had sketched out my tentative weekly schedule.   The main difference between this time and the last 20 times?  I remembered it,  I didn’t write it down and on a loose piece of paper that I’d find a week later.  I didn’t talk myself out of it.  I just did a real honest assessment of my day and said hey here you go.   Wake up tomorrow eat something light work out shower and go to work, done, no excuses. When I woke up I tried to rationalize it- talk my way out of it,  but my muscles felt weak, my tummy could be seen bulging out of my PJ’s and again my weight is maintenance level on the scale.  I asked myself which is more important,  rationalizing my way out of a 30 min workout and end up walking around today knowing I’m one more day behind on hitting my goal or putting in some effort and feeling good about myself knowing I’m one step closer to getting to where I want to be. It wasn’t easy, my legs were sore, my arms shook at the end of the reps but I did it,  I didn’t rush or quit.  I made it happen.  Tomorrow I was going to do the same work out again but when I did it in the past I’d always leave a day break in between.  I’d like to go to the gym but fear I’d talk myself out of it again,  so here’s what I’ll do.  If I have time to look at my gym bag and make sure everything is in it before switching shifts, I’ll go to the gym tomorrow morning.  If not I’ll do an at home cardio work out.  Either way no excuses,  I’m working out and hitting my targets.  Not only do I want to look good at that event but I deserve to take care of myself.  I am worth the time and investment and it is worth it to maintain a work out schedule aside from the fact that it would ensure that I would fit into whatever clothes I buy for this event. It’s time to stop worrying about whether or not I’ll fit into the clothes and rather stick to a plan that ensures I will be able to do so.  Although it is a cliché the old adage is true: The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. – Lao Tzu

Now I have injured my finger but…

24 Mar

I can still run!  Tomorrow I start a workout schedule could not be more excited.  Truly.  Yesterday I went shopping and cooked up a whole bunch of food no take out food for me.  Good for the wallet and the waistline.  Hoping it shows on this week’s weigh in.  I’m ready to focus, feel better and hit my weight targets.


The end of my health scare and a reflection on my bottom half

21 Mar

Well the health scare has ended and now it is almost April.  Next week will be rough because I will be working 60-80 hours or so.  But I want to make this a priority.

On a day to day basis I tend to ignore the fact that I am heavier than I would like to be.  The other day I did some of my virtual window shopping and found a used Herve Leger dress that I could afford.  I was about to talk myself into the purchase when I realized that it would not fit me, not only that if I did lose weight I might just slide right into fitting into the smaller size.  The seemed like a waste of money even if it was on sale.

The other day I got out of the shower and put pants on right away and I realized how much I worry about my bottom half on a regular basis.  I worry about dressing in it bottoms, how it will look in a dress, in a skirt, shorts are just not even a option.  My waist is small but the area around my belly button has effectively become a spare tire as it is the size of the top of my hips.  Anything put on that area will ride low as a bottom and curl up as a top.  It is embarrassing but I don’t really feel it until the air hits my exposed overhanging belly.  Other times it’s the feeling I get when I bend down a realize there is a bit too much breeze on my back side.  And yet other times it’s my husband constantly pulling my shirt down when we are out which he does because of his OCD but it just makes me feel that much more vulnerable.

These are things I am tired of living with.  I do live with them deal with them even but I’m tired of it.  I want to be able to wear things without having all this worry or embarrassment.   I did find a way to cope by finding dresses that fit well since my in between size top and bottoms don’t really work for me at this weight.  But the other day it hit me that is all just cover up.  I don’t want to cover up and I want to dress myself in what I want and feel good about it, and not have to worry that the weight will creep back up and I’ll be here again.

I have an event in 6 months that I want to look drop dead gorgeous at, plus its my birthday.  Summer is coming right around the corner.  I don’t want it to be another summer of worrying about my belly.  Now that my health has been restored it is time to get back on the wagon.  Let’s see how tonight goes.

A little is better than nothing

14 Mar

I have goals for this year and the financials ones are plugging along, but my health not so much.  I’ve been sick a lot and need dental work, new glasses etc.   Now that my financial house is mostly in order I’m going to take care of these things.

I’ve been working so much and neglected working out and when I’m in good health I say oh well couldn’t get a work out in try again tomorrow.  But I have to make time.  I wouldn’t be doing well financially if I hadn’t automated the way I handle my paychecks so why should this be any different.

I need to start somewhere and like working out and savings a little at a time is better than nothing at all.  Everyone has to start somewhere.  If I expect to get anywhere close to fitting in those jeans again I have to start somewhere.  Right now I’m in a size 12.  It’s doable all I have to do is start.

My damn health is making that hard.  Guess I’ll start by making sure I’m taking care of myself period.

In order to work out you must be healthy

11 Mar

I am having issues again and my financials are not “perfect.”  Guess the lesson here is flexibility?  Whatever it is I am going to try to stay the course.  I don’t want to upset my body and cause more issues so I’m going to have to focus on food again for the next 10 days after that though its back to work.   It’s a set back for sure but I’m just going to try to stay the course.  It’s a marathon not a sprint.